Dear Frank
Dear Frank,
In most of my dreams, you are healthy. We always seem to be on journey of some kind, often laughing, but definitely in need of each other for one reason or another. They give me security. These are the little signs you are still with me, keeping me stable and secure.
This week, I had a dream unlike any other. Maybe it was a nightmare. Even though seven of our eighteen years were spent in a care facility, it may have been where we were, but it did not define our life. Yet, I cannot recall dreaming about the care home.
When I entered the front doors, they told me you were there. I thought, ‘impossible!’ I was angry. Why hadn’t they called me? Because of Covid protocol, they didn’t let me come back to this place once you were gone. I ran to your room, even though they warned me you were non-responsive.
When I entered your room, you were dressed handsomely in jeans and a button-up shirt laying on a fully made bed. I screamed your name, and you opened your eyes, extended your arms and took me into your embrace. Neither of us let go. It was so real. Then I awoke. I cried.
I’ve spent most of the week, frightened, confused, accomplishing little trying to process that dream. The feelings accompanied by words of many, saying things like – unable to recognize, not there, unresponsive, only inflate my ire towards those cannot understand that love has a language of its’ own. It cannot be love if there are prerequisites.
Today is your earthly birthday. It was raining most of the day and I didn’t go to the cemetery as usual. I took a couple naps hoping to see you, but it didn’t happen. I found this picture of us in the ‘good years’ as I call them. But truthfully, they were all good. You first taught me how to receive love unconditionally and then you taught me how powerful it is to give love unconditionally. Maybe you came to me this week so I wouldn’t forget that.
You did more than a fair share for so many people, but I honestly believe your greatest gift was to teach all of us the importance of struggle, of non-perfection. From the day you were born to the day you left us, your life exemplified how important every moment of living can be. From your mother taking care of you through health issues when you were just a boy, to how you changed lives through your surrender to illness, you showed us that every breath matters to someone.
This may be the opportune time to say Happy Heavenly Birthday Honey, but I am saying thank you for your birthday, your life continues through all of us.
Love through eternity,
Janie
